Retarded Ramblings of a Kyle Fangirl
by naonaonao
Summary: Moving to South Park didn't seem too rosy until I met a boy with a green ushanka who changed my life." A PARODY of the random OCs in South Park. Don't take it cereal, guys! Rated T because, well, it's South Park.


Yes, I am going to continue Time and Concord – I'm actually planning on finishing chapter two when I'm done with this. However, I felt that this was an extremely important matter; the ascending of raging Kyle fangirls. Now, please don't get me wrong! I'm a die-hard Kyle fan myself; he's my favorite character (Tweek and Stan being close seconds). However, I feel that this subject must be addressed. Every day there are more and more OC x Kyle fanfictions, and although some of them are really, _really_ good (Ivy being one that comes to mind; it actually has a plot), others are just ridiculous.

Maybe this is because, although I enjoy het fiction a lot, I absolutely adore slash and believe that Kyle should be with Stan. Oh, whatever. Regardless of my own opinions, this is merely a PARODY, and those of you offended by it need to develop senses of humor. Just a stereotypical OC fanfic (again, nothing against OCs; I have one of my own for Pete's sake!), and if you replace Kyle's name with "Stan" or "Clyde" or "Damien", or any South Park boy, you'll probably experience some sort of déjà vu, since this is seen so often.

I'm done rambling now! Enjoy!

Oh! PS: I don't own South Park.

-

"Ruby! Come downstairs, the moving truck is about to pull out!" I heard my mother call, and ran a brush through my thick but straight mass of layered light auburn hair that reached my mid-back, a red headband separating it from my styled side-bangs. I have golden and platinum highlights—hardly subtle—weaved through my hair, which compliment my navy blue eyes. I pulled a tight black t-shirt with a colorful band logo on the front, and stepped my thin legs through dark blue skinny jeans, a studded belt wrapped around my waist. An array of bracelets were snaked around my pale wrists, and as I stepped into my converse and grabbed my gray canvas bag (which was decorated with various buttons and patches), I felt I was ready to go.

"Ruby, hurry up!" My mother's shrill order rang throughout my empty house, and I shrugged. My name is Rubianne Katrina Saffron Jasmine Ellis Bales, the reason for all of the names being that my parents couldn't decide on one particularly when I was born. Because of this, my mom chooses to address my by whatever name feels right to her that day, so I strongly prefer Ruby, which is what I will go by at my new school in South Park, Colorado.

After my parents' divorce, my mom chose to relocate from our cozy Baltimore home to the cold, mountainous town of South Park. I wasn't particularly thrilled with her decision, having lived in Baltimore all my life, but because I understood her pain in having detached her husband, I put up with it without a fight.

She rammed me into the car without a word, speaking rapidly into her cell phone, and I pulled out my iPod. I didn't remove the bleach-white ear buds until I was off the plane, hours later.

-

It was a routine Tuesday morning for Kyle Broflovski. He would wake up, (struggle to but finally) cram his ginger curls into his lime-colored ushanka, shower, brush his teeth, grab a pop tart and tread on to the bus stop. Cartman, Kenny, and Stan were already there, staring blankly ahead as they did every morning until Cartman would bring up some ridiculous theory, or someone would get insulted, or they would be attacked by aliens, or _something_ that prevented them from having the same afternoon that any ordinary eighth-graders would experience.

"What's up, dudes?" Kyle would greet them, as usual, and nobody would give a very interesting response. Actually, it looked like Cartman was _about_ to say something, but was forced to desist when an obviously attractive girl stood beside them.

"Is this the bus stop for South Park middle school?" She asked casually, her voice a high soprano.

"Um," Stan began, giving this new chick a once over, "yeah."

"Okay, thanks." She responded, and took it upon herself to stare motionlessly into space, as the quartet did normally. This time, however, they were staring at _her_ instead, mostly because they were perplexed that someone would take it upon themselves to resume the same position they had been standing in for _years_.

Cartman flailed his arms and rolled his eyes, obviously irritated and disrespected. "You can't do _that_!" He exclaimed. "This is where _we_ wait!"

"So?" This girl had nerve, Kyle noted.

"_So_, we don't need a satanic freak standing where _we_ always stand! Look, Kenny's barely in the shot now!" Cartman pointed at the orange-clad boy, who was only half visible.

"Excuse me?" She said. "I don't need you to tell me where I can and can't _stand_, Fatass!" She jabbed a long fingernail into his chest. "You don't own me!"

"Oh, you wanna go, bitch?"

"Yeah! I do!"

"Well, fine!"

"Fine."

"…Fine!"

"Fine, then, let's fight right HERE." She ordered, pointing to the ground as if to emphasize her point.

And Cartman lunged at her.

-

"Hey, are you okay?" Kyle asked the new girl, Ruby, as she leaned against him for support on the way to the nurse. "Cartman shouldn't have jumped you like that. It wasn't fair. He, like, squished you."

"_Jesus Christ!_" She shrieked, outlined eyes wide with shock. "He could have broken my arm!"

"Yeah, if he manages to get into a fight with someone as skinny as you are, he's most likely to use that advantage. Cartman isn't stupid." Kyle explained, and Ruby blushed at the compliment. "You got some pretty good punches in before he did, though."

"Thanks," She replied, grinning at him. "You know… you don't have to do this. I'll probably be fine." She assured.

"Nah, I just wanna make sure." Kyle protested, his peers gawking at him when they took note of his new alliance.

"That's sweet," She replied, "but you really don't have to."

"I want to,"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

They both stopped walking simultaneously, their faces getting closer and closer until their lips met…

-

"No way! Erase that! I don't want the readers thinking I'm a man-whore!" Kyle shouted in disgust at the average-looking teenager at the computer.

"It's cute, though." She dismissed, and continued typing.

"Uh-uh." Kyle shook his head, and grabbed the mouse from her. "That's disgusting – I don't even like girls like that!"

"I need my audience to relate to Ruby, and think of how happy they'll be when they imagine kissing you."

"Fuck no!" He highlighted the disgusting text and erased all of it, leaving the author in tears.

"My work!" She yelped. "How could you do that to my work?!"

"I came here to _destroy_ your work! All of these crazed fangirls and their fantasies have been ruining _my_ reputation at school! Half of them think I'm gay for Stan, the others think I'm either dating Bebe _or_ some random impossibly-perfect girl that I don't even know! I'm sick of it!"

"Why? They're making you look _better_! They think that you can attract all SORTS of girls!" The author whined, despite the fact that, hey, all of the girls are pretty much the same!

"Then put in a goddamn disclaimer!"

"Okay, okay…" She caved, and then paused. "I _can't_! You erased my work!"

"Oh, right. Well, see ya later, then."

-

IT'S OVER.

I actually have no idea where that last part came from. I had an entirely different ending planned out, and then it was like, oh no, let's make Kyle randomly encounter a fangirl. Too bad it turned out totally STUPID. XD Oh well, you win some, you lose some. I'm not particularly proud of this piece, being a relatively new South Park writer. I write too many Sue/Self Insert parodies anyway. Lol.

But pleaaasseee review? Yes. Okay. Thank you.


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